In the last couple of days I have come to realize clearer than ever before the difference between giving God total control over my life and just thinking that I’ve given God control over my life.
Last May I thought I was letting God guide my steps, now I know I was just fearful of where God was taking me. I’ve recently started reading through a devotional on the book of Joshua about living fearlessly. I’ve made it through four lessons, the last of which was how to be a fearless example to your family, or in my case, my future family.
I made a tough decision this week to put to rest my Albertan romance. I had known deep in my heart that it wasn’t where God wanted me to be, but my head and the top layers of my heart weren’t willing to listen. All I have to say now is that when you choose not to follow God’s plans in the first place, it feels like He’s sucker punching you when you finally choose His path. Not only do you often have to make a tough decision, you also know that God was right all along and you could have saved yourself (and other people) a lot of heart ache in the process.
So what’s in store for my future? I have no idea, except that I feel God calling me to be single for a little while. One of my closest friends told me I won’t find real happiness until I’m completely happy with myself, and I know that to be true. My editor told me that in order for him to quit being a man whore (his words, not mine) he made an intentional decision to be single for more than one year. He told me that in order to quit my man-eating ways (again, his words, not mine – although I’m not sure it’s not totally inaccurate) being single wasn’t a bad idea.
So here’s to being single. Something I have not done for more than seven months since I was 15. On a side note, I’m putting out applications for close friends in the Grimshaw area. Apparently these are hard to find and if I’m going to be single, I’m going to need some way to occupy more of my time!
Another note on the future, my editor asked me what my plans were regarding the Mile Zero News. Typically because of the remote northern Alberta location, reporters don’t stay more than a year. Our ad manager was visibly upset while we were discussing the possibility of me moving on in September, and then visibly relieved when I said I wasn’t going anywhere in September and that the earliest I would be leaving Grimshaw is a year from now (baring no unforeseen change of plans by God). She gave a big sigh of relief and then went back to her own work.
I am so blessed to work with the people I do. Work is full of laughs and I know if I really needed someone, I could ask any one of the three people I work with. My editor wanted to know if I would stay longer than another year if he moved on and I was offered his job. He said he never felt comfortable leaving before because he wanted to make sure there was someone in place that he knew would be capable of editing both papers. He said if I agreed to stay, that would make him feel much better.
In keeping with my decision to live life by the hand of God, I told Jason we would tackle that when it happened. But that yes, if things worked out, I would likely stay to take his spot…not forever (breathe mom), but at least for another year.
With a quiet (but beautiful) weekend on the horizon, I foresee a few more blog posts in the near future. So for those of you upset at me for taking so long to post this one, relief is on it’s way.
Now it’s time for a delicious green tea and a corny, but delightful chick flick.