Tonight I logged onto my blog to check out my stats. I wanted to know exactly how many of you faithful readers are really out there. In the process however, I became distracted by scrolling through and reading bits of old blog posts. It wasn’t until I came across “This proves you never quite know where you’ll be in just one year,” from November of 2011 that I really felt the urge to write about what I had been reading.
I started this blog in March, 2010 and didn’t really start writing regularly until June of the same year. At that time the blog was really just a place for me to write whatever was on my mind. This was a transitional period in my life, I had just finished school, ended a serious relationship, and just began working full time in the journalism world. A few months later, I moved to Alberta and I bravely put my blog out there for all of my friends and family to read. It was the simplest way to share some of the stories we would have otherwise shared over coffee.
However, in scrolling through the old posts, I realized this space had been so much more than a place to share fun life stories. It was a place for me to reflect and challenge anyone who took the time to read the post. And for that reason, I am going to divulge in a bit of reflection.
In the last couple of days I have come to realize clearer than ever before the difference between giving God total control over my life and just thinking that I’ve given God control over my life.
Last May I thought I was letting God guide my steps, now I know I was just fearful of where God was taking me. I’ve recently started reading through a devotional on the book of Joshua about living fearlessly. I’ve made it through four lessons, the last of which was how to be a fearless example to your family, or in my case, my future family.
I made a tough decision this week to put to rest my Albertan romance. I had known deep in my heart that it wasn’t where God wanted me to be, but my head and the top layers of my heart weren’t willing to listen. All I have to say now is that when you choose not to follow God’s plans in the first place, it feels like He’s sucker punching you when you finally choose His path. Not only do you often have to make a tough decision, you also know that God was right all along and you could have saved yourself (and other people) a lot of heart ache in the process.
So what’s in store for my future? I have no idea, except that I feel God calling me to be single for a little while. One of my closest friends told me I won’t find real happiness until I’m completely happy with myself, and I know that to be true. My editor told me that in order for him to quit being a man whore (his words, not mine) he made an intentional decision to be single for more than one year. He told me that in order to quit my man-eating ways (again, his words, not mine – although I’m not sure it’s not totally inaccurate) being single wasn’t a bad idea.
So here’s to being single. Something I have not done for more than seven months since I was 15. On a side note, I’m putting out applications for close friends in the Grimshaw area. Apparently these are hard to find and if I’m going to be single, I’m going to need some way to occupy more of my time!
Another note on the future, my editor asked me what my plans were regarding the Mile Zero News. Typically because of the remote northern Alberta location, reporters don’t stay more than a year. Our ad manager was visibly upset while we were discussing the possibility of me moving on in September, and then visibly relieved when I said I wasn’t going anywhere in September and that the earliest I would be leaving Grimshaw is a year from now (baring no unforeseen change of plans by God). She gave a big sigh of relief and then went back to her own work.
I am so blessed to work with the people I do. Work is full of laughs and I know if I really needed someone, I could ask any one of the three people I work with. My editor wanted to know if I would stay longer than another year if he moved on and I was offered his job. He said he never felt comfortable leaving before because he wanted to make sure there was someone in place that he knew would be capable of editing both papers. He said if I agreed to stay, that would make him feel much better.
In keeping with my decision to live life by the hand of God, I told Jason we would tackle that when it happened. But that yes, if things worked out, I would likely stay to take his spot…not forever (breathe mom), but at least for another year.
With a quiet (but beautiful) weekend on the horizon, I foresee a few more blog posts in the near future. So for those of you upset at me for taking so long to post this one, relief is on it’s way.
Now it’s time for a delicious green tea and a corny, but delightful chick flick.
I woke up this morning absolutely delighted to see that once again I was about to enjoy above freezing temperatures in my northern hideaway. I was also excited to attend church, the Mile Zero Evangelical Fellowship (soon to be Gateway Ministries, or something along those lines).
When I first moved to Grimshaw I avoided this church like the plague. I had a negative encounter with one of their pastors at the elementary school and was convinced they were another super pushy evangelical church with no heart.
I was wrong, very wrong.
I’ve attended this church almost every Sunday since January and every stinkin’ time they make me cry. It wasn’t until today that I honestly couldn’t hold back my tears. These aren’t sad tears, they’re happy tears signifying life and joy. I know now more than ever that for the past year or so I’ve been mostly spiritually dead. I always knew that Christ and the church wasn’t something I ever wanted to give up, but I didn’t feel anything. No passion to get involved, no passion to do more. All I wanted to do was attend on Sunday, be a wall flower and leave again once the benediction had been presented.
Last week I had a tough conversation with Chad in which I realized “Who am I?” I told him I never wanted to be a wall flower and then almost immediately realized that is exactly what I had become.
Another conversation with Elise about struggles not uncommon to Christians our age made me think about why I didn’t want to face those struggles head on. Why was I ok with living in a way that was not God honouring? All the while telling Chad about the beautiful provisions of God’s love – something I perhaps was not believing wholeheartedly for my own life.
Today the pastor preached on Number 21:4 – 9. I don’t know about most of you, but I did not remember reading this passage and my mouth almost hit the floor at verse six.
“Then the people of Israel set out from Mount Hor, taking the road to the Red Sea to go around the land of Edom. But the people grew impatient with the long journey, and they began to speak against God and Moses. ‘Why have you brought us out of Egypt to die here in the wilderness?’ they complained. ‘There is nothing to eat here and nothing to drink. And we hate this horrible manna!’
“So the Lord sent poisonous snakes among the people and many were bitten and died.”
Wow. God certainly doesn’t mess around with punishment when his people are being ungrateful and giving in to the desires of the flesh. Last week I heard about Noah and how God was upset with humanity as a whole, and 120 years after commissioning Noah to build the ark, he wiped out everyone – started fresh.
The service was certainly powerful today. I know God wants me to die to my old self, lay down my hurts, give up my past and trust him to move me into a prosperous future. And I think my first step in trusting God and going along with his plan is heading back to the church at 6 a.m. tomorrow for a prayer meeting. Yup, they meet 6 a.m. on Monday mornings. Talk about brutal – but who ever said Christianity was convenient?
“Take delight in the Lord and he will give you your heart’s desires.” Psalm 37:4